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Giant Salamanders Are A Thing, Guys. GIANT SALAMANDERS ARE A THING

Is anybody else terrified of salamanders? Good god, why not? They’re like frogs, except instead of small and bulbous, like Danny Devito, they’re lean and wiry, like Iggy Pop. Is no one else terrified of Iggy Pop? Look, they have different numbers of toes than they do fingers. Think about that for a minute. What if each of your feet had six toes, and we all thought that was a normal thing? Would anyone be okay with that?

They’re also amphibians, guys, which means that they’re naturally slimy and disgusting. And they can breathe underwater and on land, which is to say YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THEM WITHOUT A PLANE TICKET. They thrive on wetness, but they also pop up in arid places.

If you’re like me, you take comfort in the fact that these horror beasts are endangered, to which I say shame on you, you monster, and in the fact that they are small. Bad news, folks: NOT ALL SALAMANDERS ARE SMALL. There is such a thing as giant salamanders. Skip to 38 seconds in on this video. That is all.